I have something to confess. I don't really know how to put this into words but I feel like a failure. It's not because I have certain expectations of myself or because of any event that happened... It's just that I can't keep promises with myself. Promises on some very important matters. For all what I believe in, this is a tremendous personal failure. I should've been better then this. I should have seen it coming.
I have told myself time and time again that a very serious event is drawing nearer and nearer and I will try my hardest to get myself back on track for it. For nearly 3 weeks I have been constantly failing. Constantly. Everyday I try and usually I get off to a good start but after a few hours it starts to dissolve. It's the same day after day and I feel powerless to stop this cycle. I know I have the power to do so. I am the one in control of my body, yet I allow these dark desires to take over me and hinder my progress day after day. I feel deeply ashamed for that. I feel guilty for every moment I spend carelessly.
Time isn't going to stop flowing and I'm just hurling myself into a deeper mess. Everytime my conscience tries to get myself to fix things, it always ends up in failure. My body keeps craving for some sort of rest or a sense of peacefulness it can't fully achieve. It wants to close its eyes and sink into peaceful oblivion. To give up working on anything of note and just lay in bed all day trying to reach that unattainable sense of peace. I can't explain it but It's almost as if it takes over my mind sometimes and keeps in doing the same damming things over and over.
I have given myself into my desires, the very thing I thought was easy to overcome. I lose myself to them time after time. I cannot express how deeply this hurts me. Of course there are external matters at hand that I cannot control but the fact is that this is my fault alone. It's a personal failure. I feel utterly defeated in a sense but I haven't lost hope. I know I can still make out of this in time. I still have enough will left in me to atleast acknowledge my wrongdoings and to try and rectify them.
This is what lifts my spirits. I know I am in full control, or I can be if I try hard and do it smartly. I know I have done this before and my past is more than enough motivation. Deep down I know I can pick myself back up. No matter how much people "try" to help me, It's always my own responsibility to pick myself back up and work towards a better self. I love myself and I will do this to help myself.
I will no longer give into these desires, no matter how tempting they may be. These things only dumb me down and cause a lingering sense of uselessness. There's so much garbage out there these days it's unbelievable. I can't believe this is all what decades of technological advancements has lead us to. Man's nature is still unchanged. They still give into the parts of themselves that ultimately hurt them...but I suppose this is what makes them human.
Writing down my thoughts here is a great way to help me clear out a few things. Talking to people about this, sometimes even close people, can be very difficult at times. This is a good outlook to express such ideas. I feel much calmer after. I know what's right and what I have to do.
[I don't have any sort of mental illness or anything like that. Everyone goes through internal struggles sometimes and it's our own personal responsibility to overcome them. No amount of external "affirmation" or "help" will do anything for such matters. It's a part of life. Something each person has to deal by themselves and ultimately trimph it.]